Christianity Inc. announced today that it will part ways with Founder and CEO, God, over what it calls “inconsistent and outdated” strategies.
The split, effective immediately, comes as a shock to many in the religious world as the infinity old leader and face of the company has been all but indistinguishable from the business. In many ways, God was Christianity, a company he was fond of saying he founded millennia ago “with nothing but three-hundred bucks and a dream. And infinite power.”
But some insiders have warned of the break-up for some time, saying it was inevitable as the deity refused to adapt to the times. Religious insider Bill Garret has reported on Christianity since the 1980s, and says never before have God’s outdated ways been more obvious.
“A lot of folks on the board of Christianity wanted a fresh view, a new direction. And the book was a big problem, too. Really it was the main problem,” he said.
The “book” referred to is, of course, God’s comprehensive guide to existence, “The Bible.” The centuries old collection of stories has been criticized as contradictory, pedantic, and inconsistent in the past. The real problem now though, says Garret, is that all the controversial themes that were perhaps ordinary when the Bible was first written, are now less accepted.
“Back then people just didn’t care if you were pro-slavery and wanted gays to die in horrible and abhorrent ways,” says Garret. “As a matter of fact when it first came out people were a lot more upset about all the love and forgiveness in it. See, the Romans liked violence. Things have changed a little.”
“And people hated women, too. So that part of it was cool,” he added.
Indeed it does seem that time has caught up with the timeless One. Leading up to his firing, even God’s usual right-hand-man the Pope began distancing himself from the book, choosing to focus instead on it’s popular themes like love, and peace.
“That was a real blow to God – professionally and personally,” says Garret. “I think He feels betrayed. I mean, if you can’t trust the Pope to use fear and anger as a way to motivate, I’m not sure you can trust anyone.”
God did not respond to repeated requests to comment on these events. His secretary held a short press conference last night in which she stated that “God is planning to take a little time to reflect. He may start a new company that I can assure you will be successful, or He may just leave the Universe entirely for a little while. It’s been literally forever since He has done that.”
For its part, Christianity Inc. has said this it simply wants to move forward. “This is an exciting time here. We’re looking forward to going in a different direction with a new CEO,” their press release read. When pressed about the long history between God and the company and the obvious personal tension, a spokesperson said, “This is business. Not personal. God knows that – better than anyone.”
The company has confirmed that Jesus Christ is tapped to step up to CEO and take control of Christianity’s many assets and properties.
“Jesus’ work here at Christianity, Inc, is broad and obvious. I mean, the company is named after Him,” a Christianity representative said.
However, God’s only biological son may not be up to the task. In an interview with TBN this morning, Jesus is reported to have said about the promotion, “I left that place years ago. How can I be promoted if I don’t work there? I have told them numerous times that I wanted nothing to do with what they’re doing there at Christianity, Inc. And it’s like they don’t even listen. It’s kind of crazy.”
The Lord and Savior stated he may return to the company, but he’d like a more interactive role. “I just want people to love and be happy. I don’t want power. That’s why I need some time to find myself, really. I might head out West. Thought about the Peace Corps. I just don’t know.”
That uncertainty will surely spill over into Christianity. Regardless of who steps in, the void left by God is, well, pretty large. It will certainly be interesting to see how the company does with out Him as it moves forward in trying to cultivate souls and damn people to Hell.