A rock discovered in the Australian Outback has been carbon dated by scientists and found to be the oldest ever discovered, older even than Earth itself. It beat the last record for oldest rock, which was held by one of John McCain’s kidney stones.
The Powerball lottery is at an all time record with the winner set to receive 1.3 billion dollars. With that amount, the lucky winner could buy an island, maybe purchase a small country, or even make a down payment on a 900 square foot two bedroom apartment in Manhattan.
Mexican drug kingpin El Chapo was captured recently after meeting with actor Sean Penn about doing a potential movie together. Penn says now that El Chapo is locked up he has decided to drop the film, and instead focus on his next project, not getting murdered by El Chapo.
A former New York City jail inmate was awarded $750,000 in a court settlement after being given the wrong medication while in prison. The inmate suffered an erection lasting six days, causing permanent physical damage. The judge granted the man 500 thousand for the mistake and 250 thousand for being an American hero.
Scientists say we are closer than ever to having life like and functional sex robots and expect to have initial models out soon. The male version will be called “Johnny 6 and half” and the female “R2-D Cups.”
North Korea claims that recent seismic activity in the region is a result of a detonated nuclear weapon. When asked about what the news of having nuclear capabilities may mean for them as a nation North Korean citizens said “Please give me food. I am hungry.”
A CIA operative on President Obama’s security detail was recently found asleep on the job. When Congress asked him why this happened the operative reportedly said (dramatically) “I learned it from you. I. Learned. It. From. You.”
An Arizona town is auctioning off the chance to taze local politicians in an effort to raise funds for charity. Literally you can taze the Mayor just by making a donation. The politicians stated they aren’t worried because they “haven’t felt anything in years.”
Whole foods is rolling out new, smaller, market style stores this year in an attempt to fight falling profits from the last 4 quarters. It seems they cannot make ends meet by simply selling lettuce for the price of blood diamonds.
President Obama, as part of his commitment to review the justice system, has commuted 95 prison sentences in the last 3 months alone. Don’t worry, regular citizens, none of the prisoners released were bankers, or friends of his favorite senators or anything shady like that. (laughs) Those people never go to prison in the first place.
A British man had to be rescued by police after being stuck in a urinal over the weekend. When asked about the incident the man said the urinal wasn’t even his number one choice…it was number two.
A Missouri Senator has introduced a bill that requires all US legislators to report any sexual contact with lobbyists as an official gift on their ledgers. Said American citizens, “Can we report this too? Cause we’ve been gettin’ screwed by both these groups for YEARS.”
Glenn Beck has reportedly quit the Republican Party and claims to be taking a break from commenting on the elections to focus on causes more dear to him, such as persecuted Christians in foreign countries. This news has created quite an issue for his many atheist critics, as Glenn Beck being silent on politics is the only thing they have ever prayed for.
A new law in Texas would make it legal to have guns in the psych ward of hospitals. Not to worry though, the whole thing is actually a test. See, they put this law before the legislature, and whoever votes yes is actually then admitted to the psych ward.
Presidential candidate Donald Trump plans to hold a rally in Burlington, VT this week, the hometown of Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders and known as the most liberal city in America. The people of Burlington are VERY upset by this news and apparently are planning to protest the rally and (hippie voice) “like tell him the things he says aren’t cool, man.”
A young couple recently got engaged at a Walmart to cheering onlookers. They proceeded to Spencer’s gifts where they stole various sex toys, edible lingerie, and other similar items. The blissful night ended when apprehended by police at a Taco Bell. So let’s recap: Walmart, Spencer’s, Taco Bell, jail. Look, judge them if you want but I believe in love and refuse to mock their happiness.
Pennsylvania will soon vote on whether or not to legalize medical marijuana. Political experts predict it will win in a landslide, making it the 24th state to legalize the plant for medicinal use. The other 26 states should just chill bro like, grow up we’re in college now.
A Stanford tech company has created an app that will act as a Yelp for people. Users can rate friends, enemies, or loved ones and write anonymous reviews that other users can read. The inventors say they’re honored to be on the forefront, the very cutting edge, of the decay of human society.
A mother in Great Britain could be jailed for breaking truancy laws after allowing her son to miss school after the boy’s father died. The mother says the boy was afflicted with depression and she couldn’t afford therapy. The prosecutor on the case, The Dark Lord Satan, has yet to comment.